Sweating for Charity

I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but walking around outside in a Florida summer feels like being trapped underneath the undercarriage of a big, sweaty hobo.

Not that I know what that feels like.

Kris had wanted to take the girls to this 'carnival' at John Young Elementary.  Something of a fundraiser for the school, I guess.  It started at 11am and lasted until 3pm, and me - being the fool that I am - said 'okay, sounds fun,' assuming that the school's carnival would be partially held indoors.  That would only make sense, seeing how it was in the mid-90s with 100% humidity, and this thing was being held at the absolute hottest time of the day.

Then again, I guess I'm not as 'with it' as some folks are down here, 'cause upon arriving at the school this morning, we found that the entire carnival was being held outside.  Mostly on top of the school parking lot.  Right underneath the overbearing and relentless Florida sun.

Cowabunga.

Alayna channeling her inner-hamster.

Moving out of the escape hatch (I wish my car had one of these - so much more badass than using a door like a sucker.)

We paid about $20 for admission, and my kids only wanted to use the same two bounce houses.  Over and over and over again.  Jesus H. Christ do I get sick of bounce houses.

Alayna's current school is little more than a series of ghetto-fabulous portables all connected together underneath aluminum roofing (or whatever it is - looks a hell of a lot like the roofing the Dagombas were using in Ghana.)  Fortunately, next year they'll all be moving into a fancy, new high-tech building for Alayna's 1st grade school year (thank God.)

The guy of to the right is Mr. Chambers, Alayna's science teacher (he must've been awesome, because it ended up being one of her most favorite subjects.)

Kris.  Thrilled.

Two sweaty kids taking a ice-and-sugar break.

After cooling off, the girls really wanted to have their faces painted.  Or, as I like to say, they really wanted to piss away $2 apiece.

I forget this lady's name.  She's Alayna's music teacher.  Turns out our kid is a theatrical diva with a flair for the dramatic.  Who knew.

- Brian

Congraduations

Alright kids, who's ready to celebrate mediocrity?

The Houghs are.

Behold - Alayna's Kindergarten Award Ceremony:

Showing Abby some pictures on her phone in order to keep her from going stir-crazy.  Abby had been running a fever throughout the previous twenty-four hours, and as a result I was taking the day off to stay home with her.  Considering I had Monday off (for Memorial Day), and had been forced to come home at lunch on Tuesday, I was looking at a 2 1/2 day work week.  BOOYA.

Alayna's class files into the school's cafetorium.  This thing was horribly planned out from the get-go.  People were kicked out of tables designated for kindergarteners multiple times, and there was barely standing room for the hundred-plus parents on hand. 

Alayna received recognition for graduating kindergarten, her projects, a few other things, and for being 'compassionate' (which sounds lame - I was hoping she'd get something for being able to read and do math above her grade level, but whatever.)

Ms. Billiterri's class, confused on the stage.

It didn't help that the A/C was out.  Can't even begin to describe how awesome that was.

BAM

(Kris had to take Abby out in the hallway for a bit in order to release some of the pent-up, pre-K nastiness and avoid a full-on tantrum.)

Being scolded by a kindergartener from across the room.  Always cool.

Shortly before the kids broke into this song, a mob of parents stood up and walked in front of all the other parents in attendance.  The school administrators got on the mic and told everyone to sit down, but then, in a moment of confusion, someone pressed play on the hobbit-sized CD player that provided the music for the song and the kid started singing.  Of course, over the din of parents pushing and shoving and administrators barking at parents, you couldn't hear the music.  Or the kids.  God I hate Florida sometimes.

Of course Alayna had to stand directly under the harsh, bright stage light.  As if she wasn't white enough already.

Alayna and her teacher, Ms. Billitteri.

I really, really wish I had told her to take her various certificates and awards OUT of the folder for these pictures.  I guess you'll have to imagine what they look like instead (spoiler: they're not impressive.)

- Brian

Meanwhile, Back on the Farm....

Howdy, y'all!

The Gates of Hell

I'm speaking in farm-speech because I had to chaperone on one of Alayna's Daisies (Girl Scouts) field trips to Green Meadows Farm, down in Kissimmee.

. . .and by 'chaperone,' I of course mean 'avoid forced small talk with other parents and instead hide behind two cameras, taking copious amounts of pictures.'

Kris LOVES when I do this.

Check it out:

Our tour guide happened to be the director of the place, since the farm was dead today.  She later told us it was mostly likely due to the fact that there was 100% humidity and the heat index registered at 103.  Perfect weather for walking through animal feces.

Alayna tugging on some cow's tits (technical term.)

The Peanut Gallery

There were a couple male siblings accompanying their sisters on this Daisies field trip, and as you can tell here, they're obviously not as excited to ride ponies as their siblings.

PONY TIME

She asked me if we could get one of these for a pet. . .

. . . I'll have to run it by Kris.

All aboard. . .

This was a ten-minute train ride that went around the perimeter of the farm, which is located on the outskirts of Kissimmee.  It's been in the same family for generations, and they've done a pretty good job of turning the property into a glorified petting zoo.

This building creeped me out a little bit.  Basically a giant warehouse filled with antiques and odds and ends, with a bunch of cages in the center of the room housing guinea pigs, rabbits, and other small mammals.  They also had parrots and fish in there. All in all, something you'd expect to see in a serial killer's house.

This is Alayna's scout leader (den mother, whatever the hell they're called.)  And yes, that furry thing peed on her.

Swarming a bunny.

Randomly, this place has a water buffalo. . . nowhere near water.  I guess they lead it to a river or lake once a month so it can get its fix, but that still sounds like a pretty shitty deal to me.

Ever wonder what the product of a horse boning a zebra would turn out like?  No?  Well this is it right here.  It's called a Zorse.  And no, I'm not making that up.  Scientists are really, really clever people.

You wouldn't believe the amount of hand sanitizer this kid used today. . .

(That's one of Alayna's best friends, Holly, on the left)

At some point in time in your life, someone may ask you, "I wonder where the oldest donkey in the world lives."  You can now reply to them, "Kissimme, Florida."  You're welcome.

Smells like home.  And Africa.

Demonstrating how to hold poultry. . . a skill none of these kids will ever have to master in life.

I guess they stopped letting kids handle the chicks for awhile, seeing how so many over-zealous preschoolers were murdering so many of the little things by handling them like toys.  Evidently, they've decided to allow this once again.

Ducks bite.  I didn't volunteer to hold one of these for the kids to pet.  Screw that.

Still hot as shit out.  Just in case you were still wondering.

On to goats. . . my most hated of all livestock.

I made the mistake of asking the tour director if they raised any goats for human consumption.  She got a little freaked out by this question, and didn't really talk to me the rest of the day.  Whatever - goat's delicious.

Chow time

Visiting the ol' hen house.

They let the girls run around and try and pick up chickens, which, just as The Legend of Zelda has taught us over the years, isn't as easy as one might think. . .

Alayna overcame her prior fear of poultry (seriously) and actually chased down and subdued several chickens while we were in the hen hizzy.

Spoils of the hunt

Washing hands.  Again.

Just like the Fountain of Youth, there were wild peacocks all over the place - walking around without a care in the world, and definitely not afraid of touring groups.

We closed out the day going on a ten-minute hay ride around the property, which was fun for the kids, but bumpy and scratchy as all hell.  I don't get the public appeal of this at all.

Getting some water for the road

Peacock in a tree (I didn't know they could fly. . . but that makes a lot more sense than him climbing up the tree, I guess.)

Everything about clowns sucks.  Seriously.  Name one cool thing about clowns and I'll give you $100.

On our way out of the farm, I let Alayna buy some chips and some cheap-ass souvenirs from the front kiosk/store.  She did a pretty good job throughout the day, especially considering how god-awful hot it was.  

- Brian